2003: 'Old School' - "Think About It"

Probably my favourite Todd Phillips movie to hit the screens so far, Old School is a comedy classic on anyone's DVD shelf. In honor of his newly released Due Date, and the excitement for the next installment of The Hangover franchise, here are some of my favourite quotes from Todd Phillips Old School. 

Mitch Martin: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend... 

Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time. 
College Student: A big day? Doing what? 
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time. 

Marissa: Just as long as you promise to take it easy. 
Frank: What do you mean? 
Marissa: You know exactly what I mean. You've come along way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back do we? 
Frank: Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, ok? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise. 

Frank: A little housewarming gift. 
Mitch: I actually gave this to you for your wedding. 
Frank: This model? 
Mitch: That exact one. 

Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here. 
Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not? 

Frank: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Damnit. 
[calls back] 
Frank: This is Frank Ricard... 

Dean Pritchard: Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome, the co-host of CNN's Crossfire, famed political consultant, the raging Cajun, Mr. James Carville 
James Carville: Thank you, Thank you Dean Pritchard. It's an honor and a pleasure to be here sir. 
Dean Pritchard: Topic number one. What is your position on the role of government in supporting innovation in the field of biotechnology? 
James Carville: Well Dean, I'm? I'm glad that you asked that question... 
Frank: Uhhh... Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one Jimmy, If you don't mind. 
James Carville: Have at it, Hoss. 
Frank: [Frank takes a drink of water, makes a funny face and grunts] Recent research has shown that empirical evidence for globalization of corporate innovation is very limited and as a corollary the market for technologies is shrinking. As a world leader, it's important for America to provide systematic research grants for our scientists. I believe strongly there will always be a need for us to have a well articulated innovation policy with emphasis on human resource development. Thank you. 
Frank: [Frank grunts, makes a face and goes limp] 
[audience applauds] 
Frank: What happened? I blacked out 
Dean Pritchard: That was interesting. ha ha. Thank you very much. And, uh, your rebuttal? Mr. Carville. 
James Carville: Oh... It... We... have no response. That was perfect. 
Frank: That's the way you do it! That's the way you debate! 

Jerry: That was great. 
Frank: What happened? I blacked out. 

Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: The secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of 10 years or just some hot sailor you met at TJI Fridays a couple of months ago who never did call me back but did leave me with a little something called herpes... which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there. Grab your vegetables! 

---

Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: Oh that's funny to you... cuz you won't be laughing when somebody prematurely pops in your face. It's stings... and that is now why I have a lazy eye. 

All Quotes Courtesy Of IMDB

1995: Tommy Boy "Holy Schnike!"

From my favorite comedy of all time, here are some memorable quotes in Tommy Boy. 

Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated? 
Richard Hayden: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right. 
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years. 
Richard Hayden: I know, they're called doctors. 

Tommy: I l-left a message. 
Richard Hayden: A message? What number did you call? 
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven... 
Richard Hayden: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie? 
Tommy: No, it was cordless. 
Richard Hayden: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now. 

Tommy: Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts. 
Michelle: He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls. 
Tommy: Wow! 
[awkward silence] 
Michelle: [holds up box of Dunkin' Donuts] Want one? 
Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here. 
[motioning at his stomach] 

[Moments earlier they hit a deer, it's now riding in the back seat of Richard's car] 
Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer? 
Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet? 
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet? 
Richard Hayden: Why not? I'd take you to the vet. 
Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the... Um... 
Richard Hayden: Got that? 
Tommy: Shut up. 

Tommy: Uh, what my associate is trying say is... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. 
[Picks up model car] 
Tommy: You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN'T STOP! 
[Slams model car into lighter] 
Tommy: There's a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family's screaming, 
[sets car on fire] 
Tommy: "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon. 
[Imitates siren] 
Tommy: And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out. 
[Imitates retching] 
Tommy: All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn't... 
Executive with Toy Cars: Get out. Now! 
Tommy: [Richard tries blowing out flaming car] Do you validate? 
Executive with Toy Cars: No! 

Tommy: Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts. 
Richard Hayden: Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder. 
Tommy: My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does. 
[points to huge bruised area on his face] 
Tommy: Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here. 
Richard Hayden: Nope. Ship shape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case? 
Helen: Yep. And you, what can I get 
[pauses and looks at Tommy's face] 
Helen: Jesus, what happened to your face? 
Tommy: I knew it! 

Mr. Brady, Customer: But I'm going to be honest with you. I don't like you, probably never will. You're a smug unhappy little man and you treat people like they were idiots. 

Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Goddamn bridge abutment! 

[Tommy has a fake bomb strapped to himself] 
Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News: Is that why you've strapped a bomb to your chest? 
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Oh, this isn't a bomb. These are road flares. 
Ray Zalinsky: Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid, or something? 
Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Ha ha ha, why? 

Quotes Courtesy Of: IMDB

American Psycho

 Christian Bale's Amazing Portrayal Of Patrick Bateman, created by Bret Easton Ellis. 

"I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion."

"Paul Allen has mistaken me for this dickhead Marcus Halberstram. It seems logical because Marcus also works at P&P and in fact does the same exact thing I do and he also has a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. Marcus and I even go to the same barber, although I have a slightly better haircut." 

"Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercial and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humour." 

"Yes it is! In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself." 

"Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority....

In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite."

Patrick Bateman: Did you know that Whitney Houston's debut LP, called simply Whitney Houston had 4 number one singles on it? Did you know that, Christie? 
Elizabeth: [laughing] You actually listen to Whitney Houston? You own a Whitney Houston CD? More than one? 
Patrick Bateman: It's hard to choose a favorite among so many great tracks, but "The Greatest Love of All" is one of the best, most powerful songs ever written about self-preservation, dignity. Its universal message crosses all boundaries and instills one with the hope that it's not too late to better ourselves. Since, Elizabeth, it's impossible in this world we live in to empathize with others, we can always empathize with ourselves. It's an important message, crucial really. And it's beautifully stated on the album.

Timothy Bryce: [after snorting "cut" cocaine] It's a fucking milligram of sweetener. I want to get high off this, not sprinkle it on my fucking oatmeal. 
Patrick Bateman: Definitely weak, but I have a feeling that if we do enough of it we'll be okay. 
Club Patron: [leans over from another booth] Will you keep it down? I'm trying to do drugs! 
Timothy Bryce: [speaks to the patron in the next booth] HEY, FUCK YOU! 

Patrick Bateman: "There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there." 

 Quotes Courtesy Of: IMDB